When Worthiness Becomes Peformance
You know the voice.
It’s the one that says, ‘Who do you think you are? Don’t get too comfortable. You’ll disappoint them. You’re not ready. You’re too much. You’re not enough. It shows up when you’re about to rest, ask for help, set a boundary, or take up space. It’s fast. It’s familiar. And it’s loud enough that most of the time, you listen.
You might call it your inner critic. You're a perfectionist. The voice of your mother, your father, your culture, your shame. But here’s what it is: a part of you that learnt, a long time ago, that keeping you small would keep you safe.
And for a while? It worked.
This voice didn’t show up to torture you. It showed up because at some point, being visible was dangerous. Being yourself – messy, needy, honest; came with consequences. Maybe you watched a parent punish your sibling for speaking up, so you learnt to stay quiet. Maybe you were praised for being "low maintenance", so you made yourself smaller to stay loved. Maybe you saw what happened to people who asked for too much, so you learnt to need nothing. Maybe you were mocked, dismissed, or abandoned when you were vulnerable, so you armoured up.
The voice isn’t cruel. It’s terrified. It believes that if you stop performing, stop anticipating, and stop shrinking, you’ll lose everything. So, it keeps you in line. It interrupts rest. It sabotages softness. It tells you that ease is a trap and visibility is a threat.
In IFS terms, this is a protective part. It’s not your enemy. But it’s also been running the show for so long that you don’t have to obey it.
The strategy worked when you were younger. It helped you survive a system that couldn’t hold all of you. But now? Now it’s the reason you can’t rest without guilt. Why you apologise for needing anything. Why you sabotage good things before they can disappoint you. Why you feel like an imposter in your own life. The voice that once kept you safe is now keeping you stuck.
And here’s the part that’s hard to sit with: it’s been hurting you for a long time. You’re allowed to be angry about that. You’re allowed to grieve what it’s cost you, the relationships you didn’t risk, the rest you didn’t take, and the version of yourself you’ve kept hidden.
The voice may have had good reasons. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t done damage.
You don’t have to silence the voice. You don’t even have to like it. But you do have to stop letting it make every decision. That looks like hearing "You’re not ready" and doing it anyway. Noticing "You’ll disappoint them" and staying anyway. Feeling "You don’t deserve this" and receiving it anyway. Not because the voice is wrong, but because it’s not the only part of you that gets a say.
This is the work. Not eliminating the protector. Not "loving it into submission". Just learning to hear it, thank it for what it’s trying to do, and choose differently.
The voice will still show up. It always does. But it doesn’t have to be in charge anymore.
This week, notice: When does the voice get loudest? Before rest? Before asking for something? Before letting yourself be seen? And what happens if you don’t immediately obey it?
You don’t have to have this figured out. Just notice: what is this voice trying to protect you from?
Next week, we’ll look at what you’re running from when you can’t stop. The part that believes stillness will unravel you.
This reflection was inspired by themes from Worthy: How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life by Jamie Kern Lima. I'm reading it alongside some of my clients this season. If you'd like to read alongside with me, the link to the book is https://amzn.to/42Eq8Xe
