What Is Self-Sabotage and How to Recognise It
Most people think they know what self-sabotage looks like.
“I keep procrastinating.”
“I know what I should do, but I just do the opposite.”
“I get close to what I want, then somehow mess it up.”
Yes, that is self-sabotage. But it runs far deeper than that. And if you only see the surface behaviours, you miss what is really going on.
Self-sabotage is one of the most human things there is. It is not about weakness, laziness, or a lack of willpower. It is about protection.
Yes, but, why?
Every self-sabotaging behaviour starts with the same unconscious question: What do I need to do to stay safe?
Safe from what?
That depends on your life experience. It could be safety from judgement, failure, success, visibility, rejection, abandonment, or emotions that have not been processed.
If parts of your nervous system or psyche believe that certain outcomes are dangerous, they will pull you away from those outcomes — even if they are things you consciously want.
Here are some of the ways self-sabotage shows up in the clients I work with:
Working late, even when you promised yourself you would rest
Drinking or taking drugs to numb feelings or manage social situations
Binge eating or controlling food to create a sense of comfort or mastery
Secretly stealing or shoplifting to release inner tension
Picking fights or withdrawing from relationships just as they start to deepen
Procrastinating on projects that could move you forward
Saying yes to things you do not want to do, to avoid conflict or rejection
You might recognise some of these. You might see others in yourself that are not listed here. That is not the point. The point is: these behaviours are not random. They are protective.
The IFS and Brainspotting lens
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we would say that parts of you are managing your life in ways that made sense once but may not serve you now.
In Brainspotting, we see how the body holds implicit memories and responses that drive these patterns. The body will often respond before your brain has time to think. That is why you might feel hijacked by these behaviours, as if they happen on autopilot.
The good news is this: with awareness and the right support, these patterns can change.
How to start noticing it
If you want to begin working with your own self-sabotage, start here:
What are the behaviours that feel most out of alignment with what you say you want?
What tends to happen just before you engage in those behaviours?
If that behaviour could speak, what might it say it is trying to protect you from?
You do not have to force yourself to stop right away. Start with noticing. Awareness is the first and most powerful step.
Final thought
Self-sabotage is not a flaw. It is a signal. Parts of you are trying to help in the only way they know how. The work is not about fighting those parts but about understanding them and helping them learn new ways to support you.
If you are ready to explore this work more deeply, you can book a call with me here. You do not have to stay stuck in the same old cycles.
