Questioning Your Reality After a Relationship

I used to think self-worth was something you lost, something that slipped away after heartbreak or failure, some internal light that dimmed quietly when you weren't looking. I don't believe that anymore. I think most of us are born with a strong sense of our own worth. We just learn, over time, to doubt it.

I can still remember what it felt like when I as around my paternal grandparents, how they would look at me and ‘see’ me. I was enough; exactly as I was. I didn't have to prove anything, please anyone, or tone anything down. I was enough. That kind of anchoring lodged somewhere deep inside me, I didn’t have the words for it then, and I don’t have the words for it now. But somewhere between childhood and adolescence, the story shifted.

With my peers, I was liked by everyone but felt like I didn't quite fit. At home, there were unspoken expectations, the kind that live in tone more than words, in what gets praised and what gets overlooked. I learned early that love and approval were tied to achievement. That some versions of me were more welcome than others. That adaptation doesn't disappear in adulthood. Even now, in rooms where I'm invited because of my training, there's a part of me that questions why they chose me. I know what I know. I can feel it in my hands, in my clinical decisions, in the way clients shift when we work together. And yet, there's still a voice: Not really. Not like the others. It's not true. But it's loud.

In my work as a therapist, I see the same thing echoed again and again. Clients of all ages, whether they are teenagers, professionals, or even parents, walking through life shaped by years of quiet self-doubt. Some of them can't name where it began. Others can pinpoint the moment they decided they had to shrink, contort, or over-function just to be loved or respected. It's rarely loud. More often, it's a slow erosion: the offhand comment that landed too hard, the teacher who praised your quietness instead of your curiosity, the relationship where you were always the one doing the emotional labour.

This month, I'm exploring these patterns through Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima, a book I'm reading alongside some of my clients who've chosen to join this reflection.

We're sitting with what it really means to believe you are enough and how to come back to that belief when life has taught you otherwise. If you've ever felt like your self-worth is conditional or like you're performing your way through connection, you're not alone. The question isn't where this doubt came from.

The question is: where does it live now?

Next week, I'll write about where these patterns settle in the body, and how they quietly shape our choices, our relationships, and even our sense of safety.

Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima: https://amzn.to/42Eq8Xe