How Real Change Happens: It Is Not What You Think

Many people approach therapy or self-development with the same mindset they bring to work or fitness:
"If I just work hard enough, I can fix this."

But change is not about trying harder. In fact, trying too hard is often part of the problem.

Real change happens when the nervous system learns that it is safe to respond differently. And that process is not linear, fast, or something you can force.

If parts of you believe that certain patterns or behaviours are necessary for your safety, no amount of willpower will override that.

That is why so many people feel stuck. They understand their patterns intellectually, but their body still reacts the old way. This is not a failure. It is how the system works.

The Rhythm Method approach

In my work, I often use what I call the Rhythm Method: a process of moving into difficult material, then retreating to safety and gradually building the capacity to stay with what was once intolerable. Building a form of resilience.

It is like a dance: approach, pause, integrate. The goal is not to push through but to work at a pace your system can handle.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps us understand and work with protective parts that resist change. Brainspotting accesses the deeper, body-held experiences that drive these reactions. They complement each other and are approaches I find work well regardless of the age, gender, or profession of the client.

Together, they create a path for change that honors the wisdom of the body, rather than trying to override it.

What to reflect on

If you feel frustrated with your progress, consider this:

• Where are you trying to force change that your body is not ready for?

• What would it look like to approach your patterns with curiosity and patience, not urgency?

• How can you build safety, not just willpower?

Final thought

Real change is not about fixing yourself. It is about building the safety and capacity to live differently.

That takes time, rhythm, and the right kind of support.

If you would like to explore this approach, you can book a call with me here.