Depressed? Sad? Don’t wish to be a burden?

When someone is depressed, sadness isn't always the first thing they mention. They say they're tired. They can't be bothered with things they used to like. And sooner or later, most of them say, "I don't want to be a burden." It might be a 15-year-old who doesn't want to worry their mum. It might be a partner who doesn't want to add to the other's stress or a parent who is struggling and thinks everyone else already has enough on their plate. It sounds kind. You don't want to add to someone's worries, so you wait until you feel better. The trouble is that depression doesn't lift on a timetable, so the waiting can go on for months.

Depression also changes how you read people. You remember the sigh when you rang and forget the times a friend was glad to hear from you. I'm not saying the sigh didn't happen. I'm saying you're keeping a very one-sided record. Try turning it round. If your friend, your child or your sister told you they'd been struggling, would you feel put upon? You'd most likely be glad they told you and a bit sad they hadn't done it sooner. You're using a rule on yourself that wouldn't be used on them.

For some people this goes back a long way. If you grew up in a home where feelings weren't talked about, or a parent was ill and you learned to ask for very little, keeping quiet kept things calm. It worked then. Now it leaves you doing this alone. You don't need a big speech. "I've had a rubbish few weeks; can we go for a walk on Saturday?" is enough, and it gives the other person an easy way to say yes. Pick one person you trust rather than telling lots of people. If you're a teenager, that could be a friend, a parent, a teacher, a school counsellor or your GP. If you're an adult, your GP is a good start, especially if low mood has lasted more than a couple of weeks or is affecting your sleep, appetite, school or work.

If you're a parent, a teenager who goes quiet, sleeps a lot or keeps saying "I'm fine" may be protecting you rather than shutting you out. Letting them know you can cope with hearing the truth often helps more than asking lots of questions. Therapy gives you somewhere to say it all to someone who isn't part of your daily life, so there's nobody to protect. You don't have to look after my reactions; that’s my job. I can't say how long it will take to feel better, as it varies from person to person. If things feel very dark or you're worried about your safety, please don't wait. Samaritans are free on 116 123 at any hour. If you're under 19, Childline is free on 0800 1111. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to be in a crisis to ring either of them.

If you'd like to talk, whether you're a teenager, an adult or a parent, you can book a free consultation here. I see individuals aged 12 and over and couples both in person. and online. If you're the parent of a 12- to 15-year-old, you're welcome to get in touch first to ask how it works. If you're between 15 and 23, my Navigate Collective online groups are another option.