Why Achievers Self-Sabotage (And What To Do About It)
You wouldn’t think it, looking from the outside.
The polished Instagram or LinkedIn profile.
The calendar is packed with important meetings or get-togethers.
The list of achievements that has your peers or competitors envious or even resentful.
But inside, something’s off.
This is often when clients find me. They are not broken. They are not failures. They are tired of a cycle they can’t quite name, what I now call 'The Hamster Wheel'. You keep going, knowing that you want to stop, slow down, or even get off but are not sure how or worried about what would happen if you did.
I get it. I've been there.
Success feels brittle. You get close to what you want, and then somehow... you derail it. The job offer slips away. The relationship hits the rocks. Perhaps you find yourself back at the bar, or in front of an open bottle of wine, or working late for no good reason other than not being alone with your thoughts. Or even perhaps because you feel you have nothing better to do, so you 'may as well work, right?'
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. And you are not beyond help.
What is self-sabotage, really?
Most people think of self-sabotage as avoidance, procrastination, or even laziness. That’s too simplistic. The reality is far more human.
Self-sabotage is a form of protection. It is the brain and body trying to keep you safe, using old strategies that may no longer serve you.
For many of my clients, it shows up in ways that seem completely at odds with their conscious goals:
Working late to avoid intimacy
Drinking to numb anxiety
Over-exercising or controlling food to feel a sense of mastery
Stealing, often in secret, to create a release of tension
Using drugs to escape from relentless internal pressure
Destroying relationships just when they begin to feel too close.
These are not signs of weakness. They are parts of you trying to cope.
Why do we do this?
Because achievement often comes at a cost. When the world rewards you for performing, achieving, and staying two steps ahead, it is easy to loose connection with what is happening inside. Vulnerability starts to feel dangerous.
Rest feels like a risk.
Success itself, however that looks for you, can feel like something you are not worthy of or that you’ll lose the moment you stop striving. In the book The Mountain Is You, Brianna Wiest writes that “your new life will cost you your old one”.
That sounds inspiring, but for many people it is terrifying.
If parts of you associate success with danger (being seen, being envied, being held to higher expectations), they will find ways to pull you back to the familiar. That is what self-sabotage really is: a tug-of-war between the life you say you want and the safety of the one you know.
What can you do about it?
The first step is to stop fighting yourself. When you approach self-sabotage with shame or brute force, you make the pattern stronger. The parts of you trying to protect you will double down. Instead, start to observe. Where do your actions not match your conscious goals? Where do you find yourself repeating patterns, even when you know they hurt you? Approach this with curiosity, not judgement. In my work, I often use approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Brainspotting to help clients work with these protective parts of themselves.
Change does not happen through willpower alone.
It happens when the nervous system feels safe enough to allow it.
If any part of this resonated, you are already one step ahead: you are noticing the pattern.
If you would like support in working with what drives it, not just managing the surface behaviour, I offer a space where you can explore these patterns at depth. You can learn more about working with me here or get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.
